Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Thursday, 15 April 2021

Mango's Side of The Story

 


Has it ever occurred to you, that while you have been eating a Mango, in the very monstrous way that you always do, in what dreadful anticipation will the next mango be lying on the plate? Through his eyes, you appear no less than an Ogre, eagerly biting into the pulp again with the half chewed last chunk of pulp still in your mouth. And he, never understanding the reason for such urgency, only hopes that when it is his turn, maybe you will be satiated enough to calm down a little.

For all you know, the next Mango, let’s name him Mangu, might be a sibling of the one you are eating (possibly Mangum). Or a friend with whom he had made fun of Mangi, who was attached to the branch just below theirs and looked really deformed. Maybe ending up in your hands had been God’s way of punishing them for bothering Mangi. If this could be the reality, he shivers thinking of the fate of Manghast and Mangsaw, who made every Mango’s life difficult on the opposite side of their tree. The tree had admitted that never in his life so far he had borne hooligans like them, and made sure that they ripe before everybody else to get rid of them.

Mangu is drawn out of his chain of thought at the loud wet noise you made while slurping the trails of juice running down your arms, starting right at the elbow and ending at your wrist. For a split second he catches you looking at him with a hideous smile and he instantly understands that he had been chosen to be eaten later of the two because the Ogre liked him more. He recollects how you had sniffed at both of them turn by turn, twice, and weighed them both in your hands before making a decision. The decision to eat the better one later.

Death had never bothered Mangu. But from the beginning itself, as he listened to stories of humans from his elders on the tree, he always wondered what way of termination awaits him. He and his friends, at the eerie hours of night, exchanged horror stories mostly circulating around incidences of Mangoes being devoured to their last molecule in the dirtiest of ways. Most scandalous of them involved little human kids. He secretly prayed to God to not end up in a Kid’s hand. May he be eaten by a civilized human who will make perfectly equal slices of him, ensure least spillage of juice, lay them neatly in a plate and eat with their mouth closed.

And here he was, despite all his begging and prayers. With his friend stripped down to the seed now, he knows his time has come. He closes his eyes and dreams of running away, barely missing the grip of your hand and jumping into the plate of the most decent member of your family. One last time he prays “Agle Janam Mohe Strawberry hi Kijo”.


P.S: Whenever I eat a Mango, I ensure to administer anesthesia to it beforehand.

Sunday, 29 March 2020

THE GULABJAMUN THEORY



Here I will be telling you about some situations, facts, dilemmas and treachery that revolves around a bowl full of Gulabjamuns lying unawares in a kitchen.
  1. More are the number of Gulabjamuns in the bowl, lesser is the attention they attract on disappearance of a few of them.
  2. More are the number of family members in your house, easier it is to gulp down a couple of Gulabjamuns on every visit to the kitchen. Doubt of thievery will be equally shared among all the members.
  3. Out of the dough your mother has prepared for making Gulabjamuns, if you have made atleast one dough ball, you can officially claim having made the whole thing single handed.
  4. It is always worth waking up till late in the night as long as Gulabjamuns are still not extinct. You will have many days to sleep on time.
  5. Always eat the biggest and most heavenly looking Gulabjamun first. Saving it for later means losing it in the hands of another drooling human.
  6. Greed for a Gulabjamun is not greed. It is need. Bare insatiable necessity.
  7. A bowl of Gulabjamun is an open challenge of rivalry. Do not give in to compassionate emotions at anyone’s plight or to any puppy faces.
  8. Every good thing in the world comes to an end. Never get too attached with the savoury flavours. Else you are headed to despair with the speed proportionate to your craving for Gulabjamuns.
  9. Don’t be too detached with them either. It is illegal.
  10. The last Gulabjamun in the bowl is most delicious of all. Be prepared with hockey sticks, swords, frying pans, anything readily available, to eliminate competition.

PS: In the loving memory of all those Gulabjamuns that were not eaten by me!

Saturday, 28 March 2020

FIVE CONTINENTS


I found a beautiful notebook in Flynn’s closet one day. I knew I should not open it before asking him, so I opened it. It was empty. Nothing triggers creativity better than a notebook with coffee coloured hardbound cover, empty off-white pages, mysteriously found lying in a forgotten mess of things, and absence of husband from the house. But then I remembered the collection of all the empty notebooks and diaries I have back at my other home. I might hurt their feelings if I ditch them for this new one. Also I must take permission from my Husband before owning his things.

When Flynn was back from the office, I asked him the question. He told me that the notebook was my gift to him. So I asked him if I can take back a book also that I gifted him. He said why not! He is neither into reading books nor fond of lucrative stationery. He must be clueless why he was gifted with these things in the first place.

Later in the night, in a dream, me and my sister were having a conversation on why did I stop writing? During the discussion one of us said the words “Five continents”. Both of us stopped suddenly and looked at each other having the same thing in mind.

“Five Continents.”

“Yes, Five Continents.”

“Didi, Why don’t you write something about Five Continents?” Said my sister.

“Exactly!”

My thoughts were already running too fast and within seconds I had so much to write about Five Continents that I feared forgetting some important points if I don’t write them down immediately.

“Isn’t it surprising that I never thought of writing about such an interesting topic before?” I wondered. “It has to go on my Blog, I promised myself.”

Usually I forget all my dreams these days. But something about the Five Continents followed me till the morning. I could not recollect a single important fact that I had promised myself to write, but a promise is a promise. So let us read an excerpt from the meeting of Continents.

Scene: Around the table for half yearly Board Meeting.

East America- “I have got a major issue to report. My brother West is missing. During my last communication with him, he was worried over some of his parts disappearing. And now he is all gone. He is not even hiding in his favourite spot Bermuda. Help me get my brother back. Please.”

Euroctic- “My God! I have a similar concern. My Aunt’s Mother’s Nephew’s Wife-in-law Aisica is also missing!”

Antralia- “Last week I got a call from my secret sources and they have confirmed the information that one of us is selling the continents to Goons of The Universe. With two of us already missing, we must find out who the traitor is before the same fate lies for us. If we don’t hurry up, this could be the end of world.”

Afractica: “Goons of the Universe! I have heard horrific stories of them.”

Arcope: “Guys stop! I am sorry. But nobody told me that we were not supposed to eat a continent when hungry.”



PS: Gift your husband anything that you want to buy for yourself but is unnecessary.

PPS: Take it back after a few months for the reason that he doesn’t want it.

Sunday, 4 August 2019

THE END OF NETFLIX



It was the time when there existed numerous social media platforms in the market. Applications had to come up with new feature updates frequently to survive the competition. There was an application for everything you could think of. Shopping, gaming, dating, beauty, learning, eating, fitness, medicine, travelling, you name it. People were developing obsessions with their mobile phones. New medical conditions were popping out of nowhere and diagnosis read like “Unable to stay away from the mobile phone”. Kids were Blue-Whaling themselves. Teens were living their lives on Tik-Toks. Youngsters were taking major decisions- ‘to swipe right or left?’. Media was collecting viral videos for ‘Breaking News’ segment.

Among all these technological sensations, there lived an outdated, confused girl. She did not update any applications, afraid that she would no longer be able to understand the changes. She lagged behind in getting accustomed to internet thingies.  Before she could make up her mind to check what is Orkut (and how to eat it?), the platform was outdated. Public was getting bored of Facebook when she finally signed up. Twitter decided to not co-operate with such a technically low profile girl the only time she tried to understand it. Instagram was getting installed and uninstalled from her phone at annual gaps without being used ever. Any applications with whom she was on cordial terms with were still unused because she was unsocial to such extremes that she became defensive even at the sight of app notifications. Notifications scared her and were always kept turned off for all the applications.

Despite all difficulties, things were manageable so far. But then came NETFLIX. The Demon rose to popularity very fast. So far she was only struggling with her dumb mind and inability to cope up with social media. What other people did with the internet was not her problem, and vice versa. But not anymore. Netflix was not just an application. It came into this world with a purpose, with a huge ego, and with an unquenchable thirst for attention. Soon it became a sin to not devote some part of your daily schedule to Netflix. Every person she came in contact with was suddenly convincing her to watch some 'super-awesome' thing on the application.

“But I am genuinely not interested”

“That’s Okay. But you must watch ‘Bla-Bla’ on Netflix.”

“I said I don’t like watching series.”

“But each episode is only 25000 minutes long.”

“I would prefer doing something else in those 25000 minutes.”

“But this one is really good. You will thank me later for the suggestion.”

“I said I am not interested. Please..”

“Here , have my Login ID and Password. There are only 20 seasons of ‘Bla-Bla’. Make your weekends productive. You are welcome. ”

“Where is my Gun!!”

The Girl finally declared an open War on Netflix. The application did not give up either. There was a lot of bloodshed and loss of lives. Nuclear weapons got involved. Unfair means were adopted. It became dirty like hell. But one night, it all ended. The girl was under such fury against the application that the war ended with the end of Netflix and also the whole population of Earth.



P.S: Yes, this is a serious and final warning to all!

Monday, 4 March 2019

RAISINS


Don’t tell me everyone knows that raisins are nothing but dried grapes.

Few days back me and my mother were in the kitchen and casually she mentioned that she saw raisins of black grapes in the nearby Mart. Usually I ignore things I don’t understand. But I accidentally paid attention to this sentence. Then my neurons worked fervently and decoded the series of puzzles that formed in my brain. Realization dawned upon me. Before I could hesitate to ask “Are raisins made from grapes?”
My mother felt a little ashamed of me I know. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know that.”
She couldn’t even make fun of me.

But my colleagues did. I had to confirm that I was not the only one to not know this. Turns out I was. My fellow ladies at the office asked me counter question to assess my IQ. They asked me about life cycle of all the dry fruits and other things. They were like “Do you have any idea what you have been eating all these years?” All I know is that it is food. Their surprise sounded more like “Do you even know the last name of your Best Friend?”

The incident was however unsettling to me. I invested a lot of time to get to the root of the problem. As a part of it, I conducted a survey, asking people if they know the original form of raisins? What was shocking to know was that my younger sister knew the answer. We have grown up in the same house. I have inhabited this universe three years more than her. Where was I when she was getting this piece of knowledge?

The best thing about your friends is that they get defensive for you even when you have already proven your stupidity. When I asked the question to my Best friend (About grapes, not her last name. Just for the record, I know her last name.) and told her what happened, she said “You should have asked me first and saved yourself the embarrassment”. Then she gave me ideas for taking revenge on my colleagues. “Ask them if Pineapple grows on trees?” “Ask them all the species of dinosaurs that existed. But only after learning them yourself first.”

Why is it that I never wondered where do raisins come from? Leave raisins, I never even wondered where do babies come from. Every person seems to have thought of it atleast once when they were kids. My four year old niece has already come up with her own theories about babies (people go to babies and ask them ‘Would you like to be our baby?’) And here I am. Raisins may be just one of the thousand things I never thought about. And I am sure if I had ever tried to think how raisins are made, it is such a simple deduction. The problem is I never thought.  Do I ever wonder about anything at all? Until I am confronted with such facts, for me, raisins just are. They exist. Babies are. Somehow. And everything answers itself automatically one day. And so I continue being awesome.

P.S.: I had grapes today.

Saturday, 24 November 2018

How To Befriend A Kusum

Welcome to the planet HFIZBN, the habitat of organisms who go by the name Kusum. Here are a few simple guidelines for you to exist around Kusums and even be their friend if you have it in you. Good Luck!

1. Be dumb. Kusums have miniscule brains. Intelligent people scare them. You can ask a Kusum 5+2. They also know 10+3. But never ask them 17-9. They may almost have a breakdown to calculate the answer 9.

2. Kusums are fun people. They don't do anything. They don't like hanging out, eating out, travelling, making friends and the sort. They don't even talk. You have got to be a huge fun loving person to be anywhere around a Kusum.

3. Have a common enemy. Humans for example.

4. From a distance, a Kusum may appear like she means business. No crap. Up close you will discover that the business is to get a box full of sweets. Give it to them.

5. The fastest way to get a Kusum's interest is to tell her something weird. Something like "Once I climbed up a tree and never got down." You will surely boost up your chances of being a Kusum buddy.

6. As long as you keep emotions and philosophy out of the way, Kusum will get along well.

7. Forget things. Forget wishing a Kusum on her birthday and everything else important to her. She will be able to feel a companionship towards you.

8. Do you believe you can swim without having tried it ever? Do you believe you can fly a fighter jet alone if some day you must save the world? Do you believe you can pacify a wild tiger by communicating with your eyes? If yes, you are a gone case. Just like a Kusum.

9. Stare. Stare things and sometimes people without knowing that you are creeping the hell out of them.

10. Take an empty box. Keep your Fashion Sense inside it. Throw it into a dustbin. You are ready to go and meet a Kusum!

P.S: No Animals Were Harmed During The Making Of This Post.

Sunday, 12 November 2017

THE DOLPHIN THEORY

Once upon a time Dolphins ruled the world. This was long before the evolution of humans. Dolphins were the most intelligent animal. They had their own territories and knew many languages. They traveled across the water countries, went to Space for picnics, invented high tech automobiles, and studied the whole Universe. They were technologically so advanced that every manual work was replaced by gadgets. Moreover they got so ahead in Medical Science that when earlier they could cure all known and unknown diseases, later they found the formula of Immortality and stopped dying natural deaths. Overall, Dolphins were just so awesome at that time. But then the unexpected problems started, maybe because there has to be a way to cause deaths of Dolphins. So the Wars, Terrorism, Space accidents, and suicides because of love and breakups started.

Just in the middle of all this some Buddha Dolphins evolved. They had vision and they knew that the world is moving in the wrong direction. This technical advancement, Nuclear Weaponry, totally mind-blowing Space cars are all just a facade. The whole population has been disillusioned and has got their priorities in the wrong order. They are too busy with their gadgets when instead they should be moving towards enlightenment of the soul. When the highly advanced Dolphin population heard the word “Soul” for the first time they searched it on the internet and tried to order it online. When eventually they got the hang of it, they were completely swept by the idea. The ‘Soul and Peace’ concept sounded so new and original to them, that they left everything and started following the Buddha Dolphins. It became a huge sensation in the Dolphin World.

Buddha Dolphins asked “What do you get by travelling in Space?”

General fish public replied “ummm…just like that”

“What is so important in your mobile gadgets? Games? GPS location? Appointment reminders? Is all this really necessary?”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

“By taking the immortality syrup what are you actually doing? Only extending your ‘just-like-that’ Space travels and more appointment reminders. Isn’t it?”

“Actually…you are right.”

“Who should be immortal? Soul or Body?”

“Soul. Soul. Soul.”

“So should we die?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Should we cause Wars or should we just swim peacefully?”

“Swim. Swim. Swim.”

“Let us today decide how we choose to live now.”

“Yes, please.”

The Buddha Dolphins set out a Constitution of reformed life for all. Most of the fishes pledged to abide by the Constitution. Those who didn’t also eventually did because the Constitution was so convincing and a total brain-washer. It appeared so simple and easy that no one could resist it. It read:

“The Dolphin population, from this day, knows no Science. It frees itself from all the gadgets, rockets, love triangles, ‘just-like-that’ Space travels, Immortality Syrup and all the discoveries and inventions. Anything that is not natural is not acceptable. The Dolphin population exists just to swim, smile, eat, be eaten, play cute games with the future human population, die and let the soul live.”


They have followed their constitution to this day. Humans are hopefully headed for the same. 

PS: It's not a story. This actually happened.

Thursday, 17 December 2015

10 Reasons For Delayed Posts

Hey Blog! It's been a long time we met. If you are wondering why, here are a few excuses I have to fool you with.

1. Empty mind, Devil's workshop. But My mind's devil has been leading a very poor life in a very dilapidated workshop since I have been working and trying to understand the art of having three simultaneous contrasting mouths. This leaves a very little useful vacuum in my head to utilize.

2. While driving to office, I blurt out all the nonsense that cooks up in my brain. It gives me the needed concentration while driving, but what should have otherwise been written in my notebook, evaporates in the air with my words.

3. My basic need of survival is to waste a certain amount of day's time being lazy. With a job that consumes most of it, I am somehow just managing the wastage of time. There's no time to pick a pen.

4. At office, by the evening I turn into an extinct volcano. A 90 years aged lady. ''Will anyone come and help me blink?"

5. Every time I pull up myself to write something, my pencil is lost or my notebook is lost. And with a different pencil or a different notebook or when typing on phone or laptop, I can only write a completely disillusioned post which looks like this
"Who is this Pencil?
What am I?
Why is Earth a cube?
How did I die?"

6. After hours of investigating the home, if I collect all materials to write, my mind is boiling at high temperatures with anger and burns away all my imagination and highly inflammable ideas.

7. I want to kill the office boy. I don't write so that I don't disclose this intention even by mistake because when I start writing, I loose all self control. Did I just do that?

8. I am depressed with the pattern on the new curtains my mother has bought. That's why....yes, that's why....

9. I am afraid of getting married. This keeps me disturbed all the time. I am having deadly nightmares of my wedding.



10. When I am not writing, I am drawing. Here are some drawings and I love bragging about them.
















Sunday, 12 April 2015

The purpose of studies: Finally Revealed!



We have always questioned the usefulness of school and college courses, de-carboxylation reactions, the integrations and diffrentiations and kinetics and DNA to RNA transcriptions and all those things I forgot as soon as I left the exam hall. But people...wait before you load your guns of criticism and go firing all around. Here is a post that will change your perspective. But I request you to not feel too guilty about all the curses you threw at your study courses during school after reading this post. I know my posts have an international impact but please, this time I would want the readers to keep a low profile and avoid riots. Okay readers?
......hello?
.....readers?
...........Anyone there?
..........umm...I will just get started.


1. You get to smell the awesome scent of the pages of a newly purchased NCERT book. I specialized so much in identifying smells that I can tell a workbook from main course book just with my nose.

2. When your parents wanted you to come with them to that Aunt's house who always took an unnatural interest in your future and career, how sincerely you said that you very badly needed to study and improve upon your Physics. You life was saved a little.

3. Studies make your life hell. It raises the difficulty level of your life, teaches you to face challenges and ultimately prepares you for death.
If you think it's a negative point, try to take it positively.

4. Studies make you optimistic too. Although you attended just two and a half question in the exam, you still dare to think you will pass because thinking otherwise will only prepone the trial.

5. As long as you have course books in your life, you cannot suffer from insomnia.

6. You are loaded a great deal and that is the reason that you learn to find happiness in the smallest of things like a teacher on leave.

7. Remember when you were in your teen years? You were dangerous, jumping off the compound walls of school, pulling the tail of that limp dog, looting the candies of the Birthday kid from class 2. Only one thing could make you helpless- the subject you hated. So in a way studies kept you under control when you were of the most monstrous tendencies.

P.S:- Imagine that three more points were read. I don't want to break the uniformity of ten points. :)

Sunday, 7 December 2014

An Enlightening Conversation

Since I am bored and I don't care about anything anymore and I miss posting on my blog and because some conversations make no sense and because I am practicing to be evil, I am posting a random conversation I had on chat with I don't know who, without tempering with any word, spelling or grammar..

A Human: Hii ...I think we met on fb is it right???
Me: Sorry...who is this?
Human: This is ching chang pow gro shink ku.....now u know???
Me: Yes. U r Parineeti Chopra from hasse to phasse.
Human: U know rajnikant from robot???? he is also karate champion. thnku so much....and.i think u know rajnikant from robot..in this movie he is robotic person... By the way in last exam why r u scared when sawing me in next bench?
Me: Y telling me about rajnikant? Which xam? N y don't u tell me who r u?
Human: This is like a exam question...sorry i am fail.
Me:What?
Human: I dont know the answer of your questio.
Me: U dont know your name???
Human: I have less memory...but u can check my profile.
Me: U have no profile pic. Anyway bye.
Human: Than wait..u got surpriced...
            .
            .
            .
            .
             Ok...Good night...bye.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

What All Happened During My Absence

Sometime in June was my blog's birthday. I do not remember the date neither did I wish my blog. So me and my blog are not on good terms with each other. I am not going to re-read this post and check for errors. Don't complain and also don't run away.

Here is a quick view of all that happened last month. I went somewhere for my job training and some people tried to teach me about something and now I am working in some place among some people who talk about some weird, complex things which bounce off my head at some considerable height.

At the place of my training, I saw sea. I again saw sea. And again and again. And went into it too. And I am alive.

I bought a new phone a week back and have dropped it 4 times and almost lost it once.

Now I am home at least once in a day. Rest of the time I am somewhere.

 Yesterday, I cursed rain, or lack of rain, in my Whats App status and today 20 drops of water fell from the sky. I feel like the goddess of rain.

I could not read any blogs all this time so I apologize to all the bloggers who must have waited day and night for my comments. Now you will say u did not wait. See? I know everything. But believe me, u did. No further discussion on that, understood!

A few days back when I was climbing down the stairs of the office, I fell and there was a huge population laughing at me.

Today, I went for shopping. At the cash counter, the electronic display in front of me showed a zero. I sneezed, and instead of saying 'sorry' or 'excuse me', I announced 'zero'.

(As written on 14th July 2014)

Thursday, 5 June 2014

Riddles



The answers to the following riddles are at the end of the post. Don't look at them before trying to solve the riddle. If you think I won't know when you cheat, then you are right. So don't cheat.

1. No one loves me
    I hangout alone
    When I am out
    everyone is gone
    People curse me
    and wish for rains
    As if I made the orbits
    and it was my mistake!


2. Light weight and stupid
    they make me and fly
    As soon as I take off
    I crash but no one dies
    Again in a different style
    ready to take another flight


3. I look like a house
    with walls and rooms
    I can be big or small
    and is cleaned with brooms


4. I cannot even ask
    'Who am I?'
    For I have no mouth
    no ears no eyes
    'something', 'anything', and 'everything'
    I hate and despise


5. She did it
    He did it
    She started
    He started
    She did it
    He did it



Answers:
1. The Sun in summers
2. A paper airplane
3. A house
4. Nothing
5. Siblings

This is what summers can do to a person. Heat and humidity make me angry and useless and I don't feel like doing anything. These riddles were written when I was on standby mode. And you approve or not, I am going to write more.

Image linked to the source.

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Points To Consider Before Naming A Baby


1. Do not name him/her Jshaklmsknah(which is also my phone's bluetooth name) or an equally unpronounceable one. Because one day when he/she will be playing checklairs* with his/her friends, no one will take the risk to pronounce a 2.18 miles long name and the chaser will never run after him/her. Do you see how grave it can turn out to be for the child?
My suggestion: Look at china for inspiration. People save so much time by calling each other Chi, Ko, Li.

2. Do not name him/her Chi, Ko, Li. What? When did I suggest that, you liar!

3. The name must have a good meaning because you know how it is with everybody asking the same. Also, asking the question comes handy when you don't have anything else to say and you make weird sounds like "hmm...erm.....wellll.......soooo........uuaeeauaaeiigh......what does your name mean?" "It means Moon"
My suggestion: Go for Pooja, Rahul, Deepika Padukone and not Dinosaur, because it would mean a Dinosaur.

4. Girls have an another problem to deal with. One day out of the blue, they become "Chikni" Chameli instead of just Chameli. Visit a jyotish(astrologer) and make sure that the name is not going to turn into an item number title in future. Try predicting yourself on the basis of past data analysis. Here are some examples. Paise walo ki Pinki, jawaan Sheela, Jalebi Baai, badnaam Munni, badmaash Babli.....Please comment below if you remember any other name. I would really like to know.
My suggestion: Name her Guddi. I like the song Patakha Guddi. And I like Guddi too. :)

5. Don't go for unisex names. I know a boy Sudhanshu and a girl Sudhanshu. A boy Chintan and a girl Chintan. Confuses the person who receives their friend request and gets happy for an instant before plunging deep into depression when the expectations fall off a cliff.
My suggestion: Name her "Female" and him "Male". Simplicity always attracts.

6. Pet names are no joke. Serious business. A kid talks too much doesn't mean you could name him/her "Bas-kar". Its true, I swear on my green shirt that doesn't fit me anymore. My cousin was rescued out of being named Lilawati(my family has a traumatic sense of humour). My other cousin is pet-named Kranshu. That proves it.
My suggestion: I don't know. Just don't name him/her Mikku(personal reasons).

7. Think of 'all-countries-applicable' names. A person might want to go to a foreign country later in life. So, names which have a good transition factor will make a good choice. Harvindar becomes Harry, Samir becomes Sam, Manpreet becomes Man, Womanpreet becomes Woman, Sandeep becomes Spider Man. It doesn't? Okay.
My suggestion: Planet-relevant names will be just better. Like Jagdeep becomes Jaadu.

8. The name must have a good security shield. Like Zeenat is safer than Ankit. Having a name that starts with W, X, Y, Z can actually prove to be life-saving when the teacher starts checking the homework of class, which they generally do in alphabetical order.
My Suggestion: If you are interested in experimenting, choose the name Zyxw.

9. Pick a name that reflects the personality or some character of the person. If the child has blue eyes, name him/her "Blue Eyes". If the child swings a pendulum in your face, name him/her "Hypnotize". No, no. What makes you think I am listening 'Blue eyes'?
My suggestion: Yo Yo Honey Singh or No No Money Singh(know him here). Equally cool.

10. Do not use the name as a weapon to ward off evil from the baby. I am serious here. I know incidences where people are named Kuda(garbage). I do not know if anyone has ever been named Nimbu-Mirchi and I also don't recommend it, though it sounds appealing.
My suggestion: Be innovative and call the baby Kaala-teeka. If anyone of you just thought of doing it, then you have disappointed me by defeating the very purpose of this post and I will not talk to you. Ever.

*checklairs is a game in which a person chases another person until he/she declares name of someone else, which is when the chaser starts running after that person. Either it is no real game because Google doesn't know about it or I don't know the correct spelling.

If you liked the post, praise me. If you did not, then FYI this whole idea was inspired by a friend named Shashank. He was the person who said "My name means Moon" more appropriately Chanda Mama. He said he will kill me if I call him Chanda Mama, so if I am found dead tomorrow, he goes to jail.

Sunday, 23 March 2014

A Quiet Child Is A Sleeping Giant



Scene: It's evening. I came out in my garden listening to music through my earphones. A little boy, around 4 years old, is learning to ride a bicycle by himself. Even before he can pedal once, he is about to fall. And this happens again and again. I am watching this and thought why not ask him if I can hold his cycle and help him learn.

Me(removing earphones): Need me to help?

Boy: No. I know how to ride. I ride many cycles. I am very fasht. This is my brother's cycle. He is big now so he rides bigger bicycles. I am small na. So I am riding his old cycle. But I am very very fasht.


Me: Careful(he was about to fall again). Pehle dheere dheere seekh lo fir tez chala lena.


Boy: Arre nahin. In the garden Papa said motorcycle and motorbike are same. Place motor in a cycle and it becomes motorcycle.(turning his hands inside out, he laughed like a devil at this) Hahahaha... A boy was going very fasht on his cycle and he fell. There around the turn. When you go straight from here and then turn to this side...there he fell. There was a lot of blood on his leg and his bone came out. Then they applied Soframycin. Soframycin brings back the skin. Then the blood became alright.

Me: Okay okay. Ride your cycle.

Boy: You know this cycle had a button here. Red button. When we pressed the button, songs played. And it had a mirror too. Here. No, here, below the handle. No. Here, above the handle.

Me: You broke it?

Boy: Bhaiya broke it. The red button...he broke that too. Now it does not play songs. This is very old cycle. Bhaiya is big now so he doesn't ride it. When I will grow up and be as big as him, I will also ride bigger cycles. We will sell this one and buy a new cycle. Didi where are you going?

Me: Back to my house. You carry on!

Saturday, 22 March 2014

Things I Don't Understand About Love


1.  Generally people fall for pretty girls and handsome boys. What if the person is not a good human? How long can we feel happy staring a beautiful face and dealing with a black heart? Days or years? What after that and was it even love in the first place?
2.  Is love a chemical process which carries out some reaction in our heart and after that it becomes impossible to separate the love bug from pumping of blood?
3.  Love is said to happen suddenly sometimes. Is it like starting of the ceiling fan when the switch is turned on? So when we meet "the guy/girl", the love switch automatically goes into ON state. Then it must be quite easy to turn it off as well I wonder.

4.  We do not fall in love everyday or with every guy/girl we meet. Love is a rare case. Calculating the average number of people a person knows, the probability of falling in love with one is pretty low. Carrying out the permutations and combinations, wouldn't it become a rarest of the rare case that the same person will fall in love with us?

5.  If love doesn't bring any tangible changes and it cannot be seen like body organs, it must be a software. If love gives sufferings then its code can be easily modified or uninstalled if required. Even re-installed in custom mode changing the name of the victim. I have a feeling that this is the way it is going to work with me at least.

6.  Love, the opposition will say, is something that does not happen to robots(as is implied by above points), but involves feelings and emotions. But then isn't inducing feelings too a strategy of the brain? How brain, being the practical part of body, can't change the course of feelings in case of rejections and heartbreaks?

7.  Once happened, love being hard to let go or forget is simply out of my understanding. Is it like having reached puberty that nothing can be done to change it.(From where am I getting such analogies!)

8.  In case of love at first sight, what if we fall for the exact opposite of the person we wanted as our partner? I mean if I hate liars, I hate liars. If a person is truthful or not is not written on the face. Then what if I fall head over heels for a handsome lying guy? And again this head-over-heels business is a lie, isn't it? Doesn't happen.

9.  Why being romantic is considered to be an inseparable part of love? There are people who talk day and night. There are others whose words can be counted on fingers. Then why not there can be a person in love but also unromantic at the same time. Or people who are grossed out by all this romantic stuff. Will that work? I hope it does.

10.  The biggest doubt which is killing me is- As a general gesture among couples, boys put their arms around their girlfriend's waist. Doesn't it tickle? Really! What if the girl is hyper ticklish and as a reflex action pushes her boyfriend and he falls over a bridge?!

Monday, 23 December 2013

How To Calm Down When You Are Angry....

.....without harming anyone but yourself





1. Bite your pillow. Break your teeth. Scream into it. Let the monster whale inside you be set free.

2. Glare at random people. Try your best to scare the hell out of them.

3. Punch the walls. Break those knuckles. Soon your anger will be overcome by pain.

4. Play dead!

5. Try attempting a headstand or a cartwheel irrespective of the place you are at- in your office, in a conference, in a lift or in a local train.

6. Sing at the top of your lungs- "AuNty POLice buLa LeGi! AunTY poLIce Bula leGI! AUnty pOliCE BuLa LEgi! fir bhi PARTY YUHI CHAALEGI!!"

Wait! I think that may hurt others.

7. Spray that pepper spray into your own eyes. Don't have one? Beg. Borrow. Steal.

8. Order your Pokemon characters to attack on people around you.

9. My personal favorite- Dance like you have lost it. C'mon let's break the earth into pieces!

10. In case you are enraged beyond limits, shoot an "AVADA KEDAVRA" on the culprit and be done with him/her forever!


Sunday, 15 December 2013

Forgetting Birthdays


Image source: google


Forgetting birthdays can be an interesting adventure. More interesting when it's an important person whose birthday slipped your mind, like your very own personal sister. And most interesting when it's the birthday of one and only you yourself. Yes, I have been through that historic day years ago.

If you forget to wish me, I may pretend to be sad because such is the ritual, but personally I will appreciate you for the initiative on your part. I am more than ready to return the favour to anyone, effortlessly. Sadly enough, the general tendency is entirely opposite to this. Waiting till midnight to wish your friends is now an unquestionable trend. Not that I am against it. I myself do it whenever I luckily remember the important dates. Neither I have anything against those selfless people who take the pains to remember things for someone else's happiness. Kudos to them!
But somewhere in the chaos are some underdeveloped brains with the smallest memory, who don't understand and feel lost all the time. The concept of midnight wishes seems to be a dreaded nightmare to them unless they are at the receiving end of wishes. The constant fear of having missed wishing someone haunts them. Okay, I went too far with that.

Coming to the point, my sister is a gift of God. My sister is the best person in the world. My sister is most beautiful. My sister was born on the most important day, fabulous month, amazing season and the prettiest year! I hope that would be enough to compensate for committing the blunder of forgetting that she was indeed born. For months I kept asking her what she wants for a gift. I think I did not promise anything, which means God is not going to punish me if today I stand in front of her, empty handed with a sheepish grin on my face.

What has happened has happened. To mend things up I tried to get some sort of a surprise gift for her. But it was too late to go somewhere as it must have taken 5-6 hours to go, search, shop and come back home, given the remote place I live in. So I searched some limited shops nearby but could not decide on anything and ended up calling her to know if she wants a watch as a surprise gift.

"No."
"But you have recently lost yours."
"Yeah but no."
"Okay then paint brushes? Though they don't look impressive to me."
"Then don't buy them."
"Then what?"
"Nothing."

Call it good or bad, my family is made up of least demanding people put together. Also least enthusiastic about birthdays, anniversaries etc. I don't know how strange it may sound but at my home cutting a cake is not mandatory to celebrate a birthday. Actually celebrating itself is not mandatory.

So I came back home with ice-creams, the only thing she always wants.(Psst! I have ordered a cake too which will be delivered by the evening.)

"Okay, so what is to be written on the cake?" The girl taking the order asked me.
"Happy Birthday Mikki."
"M.I.C.K.E.Y Mickey?"
I heard her giggling.
"No. M.I.K.K.I Mikki."
"Alright, you will get the cake by 8 pm."

PS: I am heartily thankful to my Didi who called today and I happened to listen her wishing Mikki. Otherwise I am very much sure I would have never known.

Monday, 2 December 2013

Cousins and The Rabbit


The thing I liked most in Dehradun was Lucky, my distant cousin brother( read psycho). Me and my father stayed at my Chachaji's(Uncle's) house there for three days. Chachaji being posted to some other place, only my Chahiji(Aunty), my cousin sister Anjali and Lucky were at home. I don't want to go into the reasons for going to Dehradun and coming back as a failure, so I stick to the fun part.

'Not having a real brother is not that bad.' This is the falsest thing I have told myself. Not having a real brother is a real, real, bad, worse and worst thing. Lucky made me realize what I am missing all this time. I don't know how he and Anjali grew up so fast. I was expecting to meet some kids, as they were the last time I saw them. Now Anjali seemed a solemn 11th class student. She went to school, she went for coaching, came home, studied, had dinner and slept. And Ripley's Believe It Or Not, she wakes up at 4 am to study again. If I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would say "C'mon, the head you see on me has a brain too. 4 am is not even a real time."

"The Full Utilization Of Those Three Days Award' goes to Lucky. He is in 10th class and I saw him studying for not more than 10 minutes(adding all the tit-bit seconds when he held a book in his hands). He has two bags full of cards- Pokemon, Ben10, WWE and everything. I beat him easily because when you are playing a guessing game with a boy, winning is pretty easy. They are overconfident and don't think twice before announcing a rank of 25(I had rank 1 in that case...hah!!). Then he asked me too many puzzles and I answered all of them. He thinks I am a genius but he does not know that all those puzzles were already asked to me by the same source(my another Chachaji). After all I too was his age 6 years ago. We passed hours insulting each other. He made fun of Anjali, who never replied. So i made fun of him. Then he made fun of me and I made more fun of him. And just before going to bed we fell prey to hysterical laughing sessions.

Don't 'awww' on the innocent face. It has got daggers for teeth.

Not to forget their pet rabbit. God! It was so cute......only on the outside. He bit me twice(just because I was trying to snatch away his food?!) and it pained a lot. There must be a game called 'Angry Rabbits'. At least it would be more realistic. :@

Saturday, 23 November 2013

How To Make Pulaav Like Me.

1. Ask your mother how much rice to take and then take whatever amount you want to.

2. Ask your mother the amount of water to add and then accidentally pour a lot more than that.

3. Boil the rice and then forget about it for some time.

4. Take a pan and pour 20 liters of oil in it. Not really okay? Only you should get to feel that you have poured a troublesome quantity of it.

5. Fry chopped onions in the oil. Then fry chopped beans and potato. Add spices of all colours- yellow, red, white, whatever. More or less doesn't matter.

6. Realize that you have fried things too much and they are about to catch fire.

7. Run and ask your mom "Everything has burnt. Should I add the rice now?"

8. Quickly add boiled rice into the black stuff.

9. Mix the mess. If it feels as if you are mixing glue, you know you have done it right.

10. Hide in some corner. Wait for people to taste the Pulaav and be surprised to listen that it was tasty.

*yaay* Hard work always pays!! Phew!

PS: I wish I had taken a snap of it. :(

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Things I Don't Like


1. People saying "aur batao" on phone. It makes me forget everything, including my name.

2. Infinity.

3. People who stare and stare and stare. They leave me no doubts that I was dropped by a UFO.

4. My ankles. They make cracking sounds when I am tip-toeing.

5. Winged insects. You can never predict where they will be the very next second.

6. Hot summers and chilled winters. I am cold-blooded. I melt and freeze with the temperatures.

7. Sleeping. I have had enough of it. Enough for the next 999 years.

8. My study table.

9. Cleaning my study table.

10. Chewing food. I want to become a snake when I grow up.
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