FIVE CONTINENTS

I found a beautiful notebook in Flynn’s closet one day. I knew I should not open it before asking him, so I opened it. It was empty. Nothing triggers creativity better than a notebook with coffee coloured hardbound cover, empty off-white pages, mysteriously found lying in a forgotten mess of things, and absence of husband from the house. But then I remembered the collection of all the empty notebooks and diaries I have back at my other home. I might hurt their feelings if I ditch them for this new one. Also I must take permission from my Husband before owning his things.

When Flynn was back from the office, I asked him the question. He told me that the notebook was my gift to him. So I asked him if I can take back a book also that I gifted him. He said why not! He is neither into reading books nor fond of lucrative stationery. He must be clueless why he was gifted with these things in the first place.

Later in the night, in a dream, me and my sister were having a conversation on why did I stop writing? During the discussion one of us said the words “Five continents”. Both of us stopped suddenly and looked at each other having the same thing in mind.

“Five Continents.”

“Yes, Five Continents.”

“Didi, Why don’t you write something about Five Continents?” Said my sister.

“Exactly!”

My thoughts were already running too fast and within seconds I had so much to write about Five Continents that I feared forgetting some important points if I don’t write them down immediately.

“Isn’t it surprising that I never thought of writing about such an interesting topic before?” I wondered. “It has to go on my Blog, I promised myself.”

Usually I forget all my dreams these days. But something about the Five Continents followed me till the morning. I could not recollect a single important fact that I had promised myself to write, but a promise is a promise. So let us read an excerpt from the meeting of Continents.

Scene: Around the table for half yearly Board Meeting.

East America- “I have got a major issue to report. My brother West is missing. During my last communication with him, he was worried over some of his parts disappearing. And now he is all gone. He is not even hiding in his favourite spot Bermuda. Help me get my brother back. Please.”

Euroctic- “My God! I have a similar concern. My Aunt’s Mother’s Nephew’s Wife-in-law Aisica is also missing!”

Antralia- “Last week I got a call from my secret sources and they have confirmed the information that one of us is selling the continents to Goons of The Universe. With two of us already missing, we must find out who the traitor is before the same fate lies for us. If we don’t hurry up, this could be the end of world.”

Afractica: “Goons of the Universe! I have heard horrific stories of them.”

Arcope: “Guys stop! I am sorry. But nobody told me that we were not supposed to eat a continent when hungry.”

PS: Gift your husband anything that you want to buy for yourself but is unnecessary.

PPS: Take it back after a few months for the reason that he doesn’t want it.

THE END OF NETFLIX

It was the time when there existed numerous social media platforms in the market. Applications had to come up with new feature updates frequently to survive the competition. There was an application for everything you could think of. Shopping, gaming, dating, beauty, learning, eating, fitness, medicine, travelling, you name it. People were developing obsessions with their mobile phones. New medical conditions were popping out of nowhere and diagnosis read like “Unable to stay away from the mobile phone”. Kids were Blue-Whaling themselves. Teens were living their lives on Tik-Toks. Youngsters were taking major decisions- ‘to swipe right or left?’. Media was collecting viral videos for ‘Breaking News’ segment.

Among all these technological sensations, there lived an outdated, confused girl. She did not update any applications, afraid that she would no longer be able to understand the changes. She lagged behind in getting accustomed to internet thingies.  Before she could make up her mind to check what is Orkut (and how to eat it?), the platform was outdated. Public was getting bored of Facebook when she finally signed up. Twitter decided to not co-operate with such a technically low profile girl the only time she tried to understand it. Instagram was getting installed and uninstalled from her phone at annual gaps without being used ever. Any applications with whom she was on cordial terms with were still unused because she was unsocial to such extremes that she became defensive even at the sight of app notifications. Notifications scared her and were always kept turned off for all the applications.

Despite all difficulties, things were manageable so far. But then came NETFLIX. The Demon rose to popularity very fast. So far she was only struggling with her dumb mind and inability to cope up with social media. What other people did with the internet was not her problem, and vice versa. But not anymore. Netflix was not just an application. It came into this world with a purpose, with a huge ego, and with an unquenchable thirst for attention. Soon it became a sin to not devote some part of your daily schedule to Netflix. Every person she came in contact with was suddenly convincing her to watch some 'super-awesome' thing on the application.

“But I am genuinely not interested”

“That’s Okay. But you must watch ‘Bla-Bla’ on Netflix.”

“I said I don’t like watching series.”

“But each episode is only 25000 minutes long.”

“I would prefer doing something else in those 25000 minutes.”

“But this one is really good. You will thank me later for the suggestion.”

“I said I am not interested. Please..”

“Here , have my Login ID and Password. There are only 20 seasons of ‘Bla-Bla’. Make your weekends productive. You are welcome. ”

“Where is my Gun!!”

The Girl finally declared an open War on Netflix. The application did not give up either. There was a lot of bloodshed and loss of lives. Nuclear weapons got involved. Unfair means were adopted. It became dirty like hell. But one night, it all ended. The girl was under such fury against the application that the war ended with the end of Netflix and also the whole population of Earth.

P.S: Yes, this is a serious and final warning to all!

RAISINS

Don’t tell me everyone knows that raisins are nothing but dried grapes.

Few days back me and my mother were in the kitchen and casually she mentioned that she saw raisins of black grapes in the nearby Mart. Usually I ignore things I don’t understand. But I accidentally paid attention to this sentence. Then my neurons worked fervently and decoded the series of puzzles that formed in my brain. Realization dawned upon me. Before I could hesitate to ask “Are raisins made from grapes?”

My mother felt a little ashamed of me I know. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know that.”

She couldn’t even make fun of me.

But my colleagues did. I had to confirm that I was not the only one to not know this. Turns out I was. My fellow ladies at the office asked me counter question to assess my IQ. They asked me about life cycle of all the dry fruits and other things. They were like “Do you have any idea what you have been eating all these years?” All I know is that it is food. Their surprise sounded more like “Do you even know the last name of your Best Friend?”

The incident was however unsettling to me. I invested a lot of time to get to the root of the problem. As a part of it, I conducted a survey, asking people if they know the original form of raisins? What was shocking to know was that my younger sister knew the answer. We have grown up in the same house. I have inhabited this universe three years more than her. Where was I when she was getting this piece of knowledge?

The best thing about your friends is that they get defensive for you even when you have already proven your stupidity. When I asked the question to my Best friend (About grapes, not her last name. Just for the record, I know her last name.) and told her what happened, she said “You should have asked me first and saved yourself the embarrassment”. Then she gave me ideas for taking revenge on my colleagues. “Ask them if Pineapple grows on trees?” “Ask them all the species of dinosaurs that existed. But only after learning them yourself first.”

Why is it that I never wondered where do raisins come from? Leave raisins, I never even wondered where do babies come from. Every person seems to have thought of it atleast once when they were kids. My four year old niece has already come up with her own theories about babies (people go to babies and ask them ‘Would you like to be our baby?’) And here I am. Raisins may be just one of the thousand things I never thought about. And I am sure if I had ever tried to think how raisins are made, it is such a simple deduction. The problem is I never thought.  Do I ever wonder about anything at all? Until I am confronted with such facts, for me, raisins just are. They exist. Babies are. Somehow. And everything answers itself automatically one day. And so I continue being awesome.

P.S.: I had grapes today.

How To Befriend A Kusum

Welcome to the planet HFIZBN, the habitat of organisms who go by the name Kusum. Here are a few simple guidelines for you to exist around Kusums and even be their friend if you have it in you. Good Luck!

1. Be dumb. Kusums have miniscule brains. Intelligent people scare them. You can ask a Kusum 5+2. They also know 10+3. But never ask them 17-9. They may almost have a breakdown to calculate the answer 9.

2. Kusums are fun people. They don't do anything. They don't like hanging out, eating out, travelling, making friends and the sort. They don't even talk. You have got to be a huge fun loving person to be anywhere around a Kusum.

3. Have a common enemy. Humans for example.

4. From a distance, a Kusum may appear like she means business. No crap. Up close you will discover that the business is to get a box full of sweets. Give it to them.

5. The fastest way to get a Kusum's interest is to tell her something weird. Something like "Once I climbed up a tree and never got down." You will surely boost up your chances of being a Kusum buddy.

6. As long as you keep emotions and philosophy out of the way, Kusum will get along well.

7. Forget things. Forget wishing a Kusum on her birthday and everything else important to her. She will be able to feel a companionship towards you.

8. Do you believe you can swim without having tried it ever? Do you believe you can fly a fighter jet alone if some day you must save the world? Do you believe you can pacify a wild tiger by communicating with your eyes? If yes, you are a gone case. Just like a Kusum.

9. Stare. Stare things and sometimes people without knowing that you are creeping the hell out of them.

10. Take an empty box. Keep your Fashion Sense inside it. Throw it into a dustbin. You are ready to go and meet a Kusum!

P.S: No Animals Were Harmed During The Making Of This Post.

THE DOLPHIN THEORY

Once upon a time Dolphins ruled the world. This was long before the evolution of humans. Dolphins were the most intelligent animal. They had their own territories and knew many languages. They traveled across the water countries, went to Space for picnics, invented high tech automobiles, and studied the whole Universe. They were technologically so advanced that every manual work was replaced by gadgets. Moreover they got so ahead in Medical Science that when earlier they could cure all known and unknown diseases, later they found the formula of Immortality and stopped dying natural deaths. Overall, Dolphins were just so awesome at that time. But then the unexpected problems started, maybe because there has to be a way to cause deaths of Dolphins. So the Wars, Terrorism, Space accidents, and suicides because of love and breakups started.

Just in the middle of all this some Buddha Dolphins evolved. They had vision and they knew that the world is moving in the wrong direction. This technical advancement, Nuclear Weaponry, totally mind-blowing Space cars are all just a facade. The whole population has been disillusioned and has got their priorities in the wrong order. They are too busy with their gadgets when instead they should be moving towards enlightenment of the soul. When the highly advanced Dolphin population heard the word “Soul” for the first time they searched it on the internet and tried to order it online. When eventually they got the hang of it, they were completely swept by the idea. The ‘Soul and Peace’ concept sounded so new and original to them, that they left everything and started following the Buddha Dolphins. It became a huge sensation in the Dolphin World.

Buddha Dolphins asked “What do you get by travelling in Space?”

General fish public replied “ummm…just like that”

“What is so important in your mobile gadgets? Games? GPS location? Appointment reminders? Is all this really necessary?”

“Maybe. Maybe not.”

“By taking the immortality syrup what are you actually doing? Only extending your ‘just-like-that’ Space travels and more appointment reminders. Isn’t it?”

“Actually…you are right.”

“Who should be immortal? Soul or Body?”

“Soul. Soul. Soul.”

“So should we die?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Should we cause Wars or should we just swim peacefully?”

“Swim. Swim. Swim.”

“Let us today decide how we choose to live now.”

“Yes, please.”

The Buddha Dolphins set out a Constitution of reformed life for all. Most of the fishes pledged to abide by the Constitution. Those who didn’t also eventually did because the Constitution was so convincing and a total brain-washer. It appeared so simple and easy that no one could resist it. It read:

“The Dolphin population, from this day, knows no Science. It frees itself from all the gadgets, rockets, love triangles, ‘just-like-that’ Space travels, Immortality Syrup and all the discoveries and inventions. Anything that is not natural is not acceptable. The Dolphin population exists just to swim, smile, eat, be eaten, play cute games with the future human population, die and let the soul live.”

They have followed their constitution to this day. Humans are hopefully headed for the same. 

PS: It's not a story. This actually happened.